People that know me know that my kids mean the world to me. They are my everything, my reason for being and my constant source of joy, love and comfort.
As well as my total distraction and mode into complete chaos and madness, but back to my first point.
But what a lot of people don’t know about me, is that for me motherhood doesn’t come naturally and I am basically just winging it 85% of the time, especially now I am having to deal with the joys of having a teenager.
You see, growing up I believed that parents had it easy and even sometimes now I find myself daydreaming about the next stage in my children’s development and just thinking I will make it through and it will all be ok. Because come on how hard is it to raise someone you created and show them that you love and accept them unconditionally?
Let me tell you, once that child crosses into the teenage years, pretty dam hard.
All of a sudden the reality hits and you realise that this (not so) tiny person you brought into the world and have spent the last 13 years keeping alive, hate almost everything about you and thinks that almost everything you do or say is completely wrong, unfair or is totally ignored.
For me, this realisation came and slapped me in the face as my eldest son turned to me and explain, completely out of the blue, while we were waiting in line to go swimming, that he wasn’t going to be a stupid as I was and have children when he is a teenager.
Now don’t get me wrong, firstly this was music to my ears that my son wasn’t going to follow in my footsteps and was aiming to live his life and have children when he was ready and not make me a grandma in my 30’s, but also it hurt because here was my first born child commenting on the fact that to him, me bringing him to the world at 17 was a stupid mistake.
It scared me to think that he might grow up or already think that he was a mistake. When with every fiber that makes me who I am, I know that having my son at such a young age is what made me grow up. He, his brother and his sisters have been my driving force in bettering myself, for them.
Before any of them, I was a 16 year old, who went out partying every chance I got, I failed nearly all my exams and was heading down a road that would have had me waking up in my 40’s wondering what the hell I had down with my life.
Instead, I went on to be a single mother going to full time college, resitting my exams and going on to do my Alevels. I was aiming to go to university but I was heavily pregnant and due to give birth to my third child in the September after my exams, so I decided to wait a year and then the government changed and the prices triples and my dream was put on hold and I focused on my family and became a stay at home mum.
But even then I couldn’t just stay at home, I had to do something, like volunteer work, blogging and now all my kids are nearly in full time school, I am trying to find work that fits around them and helps make their lives better.
So guess while I am happy to know my son doesn’t want to be “stupid” like me and is planning to wait, I honestly couldn’t be happier for the choices I made because they made me who I am and I got 4 beautiful children to show for it, even if they do drive me completely mad most of the time, their mine and I wouldnt change them.